10 ways to infuriate a teenager
Parents, mentors and teachers take note – teenagers soak up absolutely everything...
It doesn’t matter how noble the intention, oldies often get it wrong when communicating with teenagers. Of course, this is not new. We’ve been making mistakes in this regard since the beginning of time. It’s just that these days we have the ability to document them better and hopefully learn to avoid some of the ‘danger phrases’ that tick teens off.
Teenagers soak everything up, particularly when parents, mentors, teachers and other adults say one thing and then actually do something completely different... otherwise known as the old ‘do as I say but not what I do’ paradox.
Dr John Irvine, a respected child psychologist and author, conducted a quick straw poll at a private secondary school in Brisbane in early 2009. The results to his questioning are not meant to be cast-in-stone, just an observational snapshot that’s worth pondering over.
He asked hundreds of young people to share the top nagging remarks that parents, teachers and other significant adult role models should avoid at all costs, or at the very least, should phrase in another, more sensitive, respectful way.
Just outside the Top 10 list were old favourites like “turn the music down”; “we’ll talk about it later”; “got any homework?” and “please do something with your hair.”
TOP 10 TEEN TURN-OFFS
10. Don’t talk with your mouth full.
9. I don’t care who made the mess, you clean it up!
8. Not now.
7. Don’t you ever think of anyone but yourself?
6. If I were you...
5. Stand up straight.
4. Of course I trust you, but...
3. We’ll see.
2. When I was your age...
1. No.
Okay, it’s funny, but if you find yourself nodding somewhat guiltily as you read these, then perhaps it’s time you modified your messages and the tone you use to convey them.
Pressing all the wrong buttons.
Of course, it’s not all one way traffic. According to the Savannah Family Institute, an organisation offering practical assistance and resources to help parents deal with difficult teenagers, the most common teenage rants that ‘wind up’ parents, guardians and mentors do so through frustration and trying to make the adult feel guilty.
Often they also back up what they say with rolled eyes, a snarled lip or by using a whiny voice. Ten of the most common anti-authority figure statements include: "You never let me do anything”; "You don't love me"; "You don’t trust me”; "You're not my real father, I don't have to listen"; “You just don’t understand me at all"; “I hate this family"; "I'm going to lie, lie, lie if I like"; "I hate school"; "I'm going to run away"; and "I'm going to kill myself”.
These most-moaned statements are usually just idle threats or angry observations that pass quickly but at the time are difficult for adults to hear and remain level headed about. That’s because these types of assertions place the blame for specific things and sometimes, for everything, squarely with the adult on the receiving end. However, if adults are worried that there may be more to it than just a rant, professional advice should be sought.
Perpetuating learned behaviour.
However, it’s not just young people who have a self-focussed attitude, argues Glyn Henman, CEO of youth mentoring organisation Young Life Australia. “It’s today’s adults who have let this situation manifest and who perpetuate this ‘poor me’ and ‘all about me’ thinking.”
“We’ve now become this ‘no fault’ community where adult people are scrambling over each other not to take the blame for anything,” maintains Henman. “The pervading view is that just about everything must be somebody else’s fault, because it can’t be mine. Then some of us wonder where teenagers get their attitude from? In many cases they get it from us adults.”
Actions have consequences. And inaction has even more.
Doing nothing doesn’t make a problem go away... it just makes the core issues driving problematic behaviour fester and get worse. Actions are often in fact, reactions, and it’s worth remembering that in today’s time-poor world, parents are spending less and less quality time with their children.
A recent study from the US suggests that teenagers with far too much unstructured free time and a lack of responsible adult role modelling are at the highest risk of getting into serious trouble. Much higher than being poor, belonging to a minority group, or coming from a single parent household.
By and large, teenagers won’t take advice. That’s why parents, guardians, teachers, and adult mentors who regularly interact with teenagers must remain forever vigilant, and un-pack actions and consequences... options and alternatives... this way or that way.
If you really want to infuriate a teenager, tell them what they can’t do, or what they should do. If instead you want to encourage them to think about things before they act, don’t give them advice. Instead, reach out and share with them what’s possible, what choices they have, and what you can, and will, do for them in a given circumstance.
But it’s not just adults who can turn-off a teenager. It’s the teens themselves. And the age-old boy to girl turn-offs that Dr Irvine’s snapshot revealed, sound awfully familiar.
TOP 10 TURN-OFFS FOR GIRLS
10. Angry people.
9. Bad pimples, dirty hair and facial appearance – mainly in boys.
8. Liars and two faced people.
7. Rudeness (intruding into conversations, talking over the top, interrupting etc).
6. Swearing excessively.
5. Drug taking.
4. Smoking.
3. Bogan behaviour (burping, picking nose, food between teeth, talking while eating, farting).
2. Self obsessed (arrogant, overly-opinionated, snobbishness).
1. Bad breath and body odour.
Other turn-offs that were reported by the teenage girls of the school that was sampled included ‘death starers’ (people staring intently), ‘touchy feely’ types, bitchy behaviour, excessive make-up (cake faces), sleazebags, sexually pushy people, rumour spreaders, drinkers, sexists, and racists.
Many of the top turn-offs for girls, and the next ten too, apply to teenagers in general and not any gender in particular. For teenage boys, the same applied. Just outside their top 10 turn-offs were body hair, cake faces (excessive make-up), depressed people, complainers, liars, no fun nerds, suck-ups, money borrowers, bad mannered types, ‘death starers’, and those who talk about sex all of the time.
TOP 10 TURN-OFFS FOR BOYS
10. Swearing – particularly females.
9. Body odour, bad breath, etc.
8. Drug users – primarily females.
7. Dobbers and bitches.
6. Fast or excessive talkers – mainly females.
5. Attention seekers (acting dumb, stupid, gigglers, talking babyish etc).
4. Alcohol abusers and fakers – particularly females.
3. Emo's and Goths – mainly girls.
2. Self promoters (full of themselves, selfish, up themselves).
1. Smoking – particularly by girls.
Apart from addressing personal hygiene, social habits, dress sense, manners and being a bit more restrained, what else can people of all ages do to avoid turning off a teenager?
“The best way,” says Glyn Henman of Young Life, “is not to put them into a box or give them a label. Teenagers are emotionally fragile, so calling a kid lazy often subconsciously encourages them to be more so. And constant criticism won’t encourage them to lift their game either, it just destroys their optimism and self-belief in being able to do so.”
“Don’t press buttons,” adds Henman, “just concentrate on the bigger picture. That’s what our in-school mentors and after-school Club youth leaders do week in and week out. First we earn the respect of the teenagers that Young Life interacts with, and then we set about providing good guidance, building up resilience, and boosting self-esteem.”
Ultimately, it all comes down to treating teenagers with respect. They may not yet have the life experience, maturity, or wisdom of most adults. But they deserve the chance to be supported along the rocky road of getting there.
Date: 16 April 2009
Author: Philip Jenkinson
Sources: ‘A handbook for happy families’ Dr John Irvine 2008; Savannah Family Institute 2008; additional research April 2009; Glyn Henman, CEO Young Life Australia, 14/4/09.
© Copyright Young Life Australia
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